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January 8, 2015

24

I’ve just shaved my head and I don’t know what to think or feel about it…

by Alex - Project Lady

I have had short hair for the past 6 years. I shaved my head twice before, once for fun when I was in college, once to support a friend a year ago who took chemotherapy for breast cancer. I wanted to show her that a woman can still be very beautiful without hair. It meant a lot to her and she shaved her head right after me and did not use wigs since.

When I shaved my head about a year ago, I was working in a consulting firm and my stupid boss got angry as I did not informed her beforehand. Why should anyone inform anyone for that for God’s sake? My boss threatened to fire me and she thought that I was trying to protest something in the office. I did not defend myself and tell them the reason. I thought that I should not have to be explaining myself for that.

They used this as an excuse and start mobbing me at the office and I was forced to resign 6 months later.

Afterwards they learned the reason and tried to reach me but not for a sincere apology, but to prevent me from suing them for mistreatment and mobbing.

People eh? Or should I say “corporate devils”?

Anyways, you know the rest, the major depression linked with my auto-immune diseases and constant pain in my life for the past 6 months. Read more on 10 THINGS ABOUT ME

Now, jobless, depressed and sick, this 35 year old career woman starts from zero.

With a shaved head again. 

Third time, but this time it was not my choice. It is for neither fun nor support. This time I happen to have Alopecia Areata, another auto-immune disease, which causes patchy hairloss on the scalp, where white blood cells from the immune system attack hair follicles and keep them from producing hair. It generally looks like this:

Now I am looking at the mirror.

Do I deserve this? No.

Am I beautiful? Well, at least I still have my head on my shoulders. I still have my fingers to blog. I still can write my story. I still have you reading it. I am grateful. But do I FEEL beautiful? No.

When I shaved my head to support my friend, I did not feel bad about my look. I felt very beautiful then. It was my bold decision made me beautiful in my eyes maybe… Now that it was not my choice I feel forced to do it. I feel helpless. So, maybe this time, it will take some time to feel beautiful for me.

And when I do feel that, I will share a photo with you 🙂 But, I am not strong enough yet.

Love,

Alex

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jan 8 2015

    Try listening to india.arie! She’s good at reminding me what true beauty is.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Jan 8 2015

    It sucks when our bodies betray us. I’m not sure how I’d feel either. I’d probably be pissed off, at least in the beginning. Sending you good thoughts and a virtual hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 8 2015

      Thank you Robin 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  3. Jan 8 2015

    I say rub some luscious oil with your favorite essential oil and feel the touch of your hands upon your head. And be with your sadness and your bravery and your beautiful self.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. tylowery
    Jan 8 2015

    Take pleasure and comfort in knowing that there is beauty far beyond what hair or any garment may provide you. Your writing is beautiful, and your strength is even more so. You have our support, all you need is to ask. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 8 2015

      🙂 Thank you, that keeps me going on 🙂 More than anything…
      Even if I lose all my hair I will not despair.

      Like

      Reply
      • tylowery
        Jan 8 2015

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Jan 8 2015

    At least you acknowledge that you have a head upon your shoulders and fingers to blog with. With that gratitude (however little it may feel) you will certainly rise and feel beautiful once again. It takes time but it’s not the end.

    Like

    Reply
    • Jan 8 2015

      🙂 i agree

      Like

      Reply
  6. Jan 8 2015

    Wish I could give you a big long hug. Hang in there….as long as the steps forward exceed the steps backward, you will succeed. Sending positive thoughts your way. And by the way, you ARE beautiful, hair or no hair.

    Like

    Reply
    • Jan 8 2015

      Thank you Chris…
      I am trying 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  7. Jan 8 2015

    There are differing degrees by which we conform to the common view of a beautiful person. This common view will change in response to fashions and trends. When someone presents themselves in a way that differs from this ideal we are naturally drawn to those differences and our brain needs to come up with an immediate reaction (sometimes an inappropriate one, as in the case of your former boss). When I was younger I was put off by facial piercings (eyebrows, nose, lips, tongue) on people, but as I have had more exposure to them they no longer stand out as the defining feature of that person’s appearance for me. For a lot of people a woman with a shaved head is unusual and unexpected, but it will incite different responses in different people. If we let our minds (rather than the media) make their own decisions then we will all have different criteria for what defines beauty.
    For me beauty is all about motion – how someone’s tongue and lips move while they talk, how their eyes change shape when they are smiling, frowning or concentrating, how they gesticulate when they are describing something, or how their bum wiggles when they walk.
    As people get older their bodies change and I invariably find those people who accept and embrace those changes are more attractive than those who use surgery to try to restore what they think they have lost. How your body changes will have less of an impact on your life than how you react to those changes. Walk tall with your head held high and if anyone reacts badly, then that’s their problem.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  8. Jan 8 2015

    Our bodies can be so difficult for us sometimes!! Be well!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 8 2015

      Yes! I think my body has a dissociative disorder acting as a different person 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Jan 8 2015

        Alex, I have had many of those days! I feel your pain! 😞

        Liked by 1 person

  9. To Live With All My Might
    Jan 9 2015

    You are a beautiful writer and a strong warrior. Sending you virtual hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 9 2015

      Thank you 🙂
      This means a lot to me!

      Like

      Reply
  10. Jan 9 2015

    Thank you for sharing this with us. Every time our body betrays us it is a very hard adjustment. I understand why it would be harder this time as opposed to last time. It is a difference between feeling empowered (before) and Defeated (now). Take your time to adjust to the change. If you choose to share your new look with us then you do, if not that is understandable too. I know you will have my support either way.

    Like

    Reply
    • Jan 9 2015

      thank you 🙂
      I will adjust in time I guess

      Like

      Reply
  11. maria angela
    Jan 9 2015

    I second ‘To Live With All My Might’, your writing is so powerful–I can feel every bit of your emotion in it. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 9 2015

      Thank you 🙂
      I loved your comment 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  12. Jan 11 2015

    Yay, join the club!!

    My mum just shaved my head two weeks ago.

    I keep my hair short and cropped now have having it spiky, longer and more.

    There is something powerful about a shaven head. I don’t know what it is. It is like an openness. A bare-all. A fearlessness. A purity.

    My mum knew a young, beautiful Buddhist nurse once, when she worked in a hospital. She was a practising Buddhist and she used to keep her head shaved. Her beauty shone out like a beacon, because she was completely comfortable with herself.

    Just like you 🙂

    Like

    Reply
  13. Jan 27 2015

    Real beauty has very little to do with outside appearance. The most beautiful women I have ever known didn’t look like models; but they were intelligent, witty, creative, talented, and passionate (I don’t mean that in a sexual sense). Looking in the mirror to recognize your own beauty is a mistake. You’re looking in the wrong place.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Jan 27 2015

      I think that inner beauty is about outside behaviors too. So you may want to put it as looks and behaviors. Both are important but I like to look good too. Is that a crime? Why not I have both? I want them both 🙂

      Like

      Reply

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