January was about being content with my loneliness and healing.
What’s better than nature for healing?
I spent my 2 days of this last week out in nature every day.
My hair has grown a little.
I had some disappointments in the past few days.
I know it will pass. I will never let anyone make me feel bad so I got rid of him.
I came to myself with your help.
At the end, it is me, myself and you dear reader 🙂
Thank you for making me love me again.
After writing about “him who hurt me” on my blog, I deleted his number and put it in Autoreject list, also blocked him from Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook in 5 minutes.
After several hours, he tried to call many times (as I saw on Autoreject notifications) and sent me several SMS (I do not know how to block them :)) He is still trying to understand why I did this. I did not even care to explain.
Thank you for being there for me. I felt really strong with your support!
Love you reader! I feel like Lamassu is protecting me.
Strong Alex 🙂
I haven’t included “love” or “a relationship” in my projects because I don’t think they should be handled like a goal/project. Love should be magical and sudden. It should be surprising and full of excitement.
This does not mean I do not want love in my life, but I want to go slow.
I’ve met someone 3 days ago. He was super nice to me. Very kind and keen to meet. Our first date was very promising as we talked and laughed a lot. I told him about my fears about getting hurt again and he said ok.
He wanted to see me the next day and we met again.
Two of my ex-boyfriends tried to call me today. I don not know why all of a sudden they wanted to make amends.
As I did not answer their calls, they wrote about 100 messages saying quite the same things:
- I am very sorry
- I am terribly regretful (mostly for lying and cheating on me)
- I want you back (yeah right :/)
- I can do anything for you (like Bryan Adams)
- Please take me back
- I want to marry you
- I am the man that you want
- I will not give up on you etc etc.
As their messages grew like a mountain, I got more detested and sent the same answer
– Too late, maybe in another life.
I should have felt good but I did not. I should have felt that I am still desirable and they were crying and begging on my feet. I should have felt something, anything. But, I didn’t. I just want them out forever.
The interesting thing is, there is no relation whatsoever between them and they chose the same day and the same words. Interesting, but not tempting enough for me to look deeper or investigate. Whatever the reason. It is over.
One of them sent me flowers with a note: I love you. They came to my house. They are very beautiful but I cannot love them. What is their guilt? I could not toss them away, but cannot look at them either. So I put them in the kitchen out of my sight and will wait until they die I guess.
Here they are:
I think flowers are paying the price although they did not deserve any of this.
Sorry but I do not feel anything.
I was talking to one of my friends today on the phone. I told him about my situation and he simply said that:
“Oh honey, it is your negative thoughts which creates your illnesses. You are creating allergies yourself. You are very depressed, that’s why you have those auto-immune problems.”
I had to be very angry or sad but I only laughed. That person is trying to become a life-coach. He has some certificate which he gave $15000 to get. Not an ICF one of course. I cannot even consider him as a friend any more.
Can you go in front of a person with cancer or MS and say that? “Oh, honey, your negative thoughts created this! Now, let me help you with coaching!” What kind of an approach is this? Cancer and MS are the two of the most severe auto-immune diseases today.
I believe in positive psychology, I am a psychologist for God’s sake. But neither psychology nor medical sciences found a cure for auto-immune diseases. The only thing I need now are friends not like him.
Healthy people are very cruel sometimes, and the psychologists are the ones who lack emphaty the most.
I have to say, what is worse than a disease without a cure, is a person who blames you for this.
As you remember, the project was as follows and here are latest updates:
GET RID OF IT PROJECT: Giving up, giving away, letting go of unuseful stuff from my life:
- Giving up on the activities I used to like but I really do not have energy/time/motivation to do anymore. Once I love them, now I do not have time to love them. So, I will just stop setting goals and failing about them 🙂 Relieved already.
I’m giving up on being a Tango Argentina performer
I was a really good on-stage dancer focused only on ”Tango Argentina”. I learned but never performed any Latina or other ballroom dances on stage. However, I fell in love with the Tango passion 🙂 Well, that was 15 years ago. I always missed dancing on stage and my firends endlessly tried to convince me to go back on stage every year but something was off. I wanted to dance but the work, school, career and jealous boyfriends made me leave it behind. I felt that it was not my choice but other factors that kept me from stage. However, now I realize that, if I wanted it that much I would have find some time for the past 3 years as I did not even have a boyfriend to be jealous 🙂 So, I leave you behind Tango Argentina, with my own choice now, with good memories of aching feet, endless hours of rehearsals, strong friendships and stormy applause I heard after my stage performances. I will not sigh any more about you. So long…
I’m giving up on expecting too much from myself
I lowered some of my expectations about my projects and postponed some deadlines today. I don’t want to hate this project I want to love it through the journey. Here are my updates about less expectations.
- Giving away the clothes I haven’t worn for more than a year, and the things that are not useful to me any more. They make a crowded feeling around me. So better get rid of them 🙂
I nearly made 8 big packs of clothes to be given away. I will send them to my mother and she will take care of the give-away part. I also found a chance to clean and organize my closet during the evaluation 🙂 I also got rid of some of the things which seem useless for me including furniture, kitchen utensils etc.
- Letting go of the people who drain my energy, who I do not contact anymore, clearing phonebook & facebook “so called” friends.
I haven’t started to clear my list yet. I will do it this week 🙂
I suppose this project will be finished by the end of this week long before the deadline which is at the end of January 🙂