Sorry that I do not feel anything toward neither the regretful ones nor beautiful flowers…

Two of my ex-boyfriends tried to call me today. I don not know why all of a sudden they wanted to make amends.

As I did not answer their calls, they wrote about 100 messages saying quite the same things:

• I am very sorry
• I am terribly regretful (mostly for lying and cheating on me)
• I want you back (yeah right :/)
• I can do anything for you (like Bryan Adams)
• Please take me back
• I want to marry you
• I am the man that you want
• I will not give up on you etc etc.

As their messages grew like a mountain, I got more detested and sent the same answer

– Too late, maybe in another life.

I should have felt good but I did not. I should have felt that I am still desirable and they were crying and begging on my feet. I should have felt something, anything. But, I didn’t. I just want them out forever.

The interesting thing is, there is no relation whatsoever between them and they chose the same day and the same words. Interesting, but not tempting enough for me to look deeper or investigate. Whatever the reason. It is over.

One of them sent me flowers with a note: I love you. They came to my house. They are very beautiful but I cannot love them. What is their guilt? I could not toss them away, but cannot look at them either. So I put them in the kitchen out of my sight and will wait until they die I guess.

Here they are:

The flowers of regret…

I think flowers are paying the price although they did not deserve any of this.

Sorry but I do not feel anything.

I’ve just shaved my head and I don’t know what to think or feel about it…

Source: http://pixgood.com/bald-head-back.html

I have had short hair for the past 6 years. I shaved my head twice before, once for fun when I was in college, once to support a friend a year ago who took chemotherapy for breast cancer. I wanted to show her that a woman can still be very beautiful without hair. It meant a lot to her and she shaved her head right after me and did not use wigs since.

When I shaved my head about a year ago, I was working in a consulting firm and my stupid boss got angry as I did not informed her beforehand. Why should anyone inform anyone for that for God’s sake? My boss threatened to fire me and she thought that I was trying to protest something in the office. I did not defend myself and tell them the reason. I thought that I should not have to be explaining myself for that.

They used this as an excuse and start mobbing me at the office and I was forced to resign 6 months later.

Afterwards they learned the reason and tried to reach me but not for a sincere apology, but to prevent me from suing them for mistreatment and mobbing.

People eh? Or should I say “corporate devils”?

Anyways, you know the rest, the major depression linked with my auto-immune diseases and constant pain in my life for the past 6 months. Read more on 10 THINGS ABOUT ME

Now, jobless, depressed and sick, this 35 year old career woman starts from zero.

With a shaved head again. 

Third time, but this time it was not my choice. It is for neither fun nor support. This time I happen to have Alopecia Areata, another auto-immune disease, which causes patchy hairloss on the scalp, where white blood cells from the immune system attack hair follicles and keep them from producing hair. It generally looks like this:

Source:
http://www.aocd.org/resource/resmgr/ddb_high/alopecia_areata_1_high.jpg

Now I am looking at the mirror.

Do I deserve this? No.

Am I beautiful? Well, at least I still have my head on my shoulders. I still have my fingers to blog. I still can write my story. I still have you reading it. I am grateful. But do I FEEL beautiful? No.

When I shaved my head to support my friend, I did not feel bad about my look. I felt very beautiful then. It was my bold decision made me beautiful in my eyes maybe… Now that it was not my choice I feel forced to do it. I feel helpless. So, maybe this time, it will take some time to feel beautiful for me.

And when I do feel that, I will share a photo with you 🙂 But, I am not strong enough yet.

Love,

Alex