This toothache is killing me head.
Another round of antibiotics are killing my gut.
My landowner sent me an SMS “Increase the rent payment 100% or get out”
I feel so alone today. I cannot fix anything.
Tag: depression
I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…
I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…
As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:
1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.
I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.
I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.
So, economically I was worse off 🙂
2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂
3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?
It is like being stabbed from everywhere…
All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂
Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”.
Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…
Love,
Alex
I was just offered a writing/consulting job for a documentary project on TV!
I received a phone call from a film director friend of mine today. About 2 months ago I told him that I have an idea for a documentary on everyday psychology and I thought about the pilot already. I told him and he liked it. However, I did not write it down as I thought that “This will be rejected by the TV producers anyway” I was not that hopeful thanks to my depression.
Today he said, he told my idea to a producer and he accepted to present the pilot to a TV channel and he wants me to get my ass down and write the script for the pilot this week. If the pilot passes, there will ve 13 episodes in total. I am so hopeful this time. For the next 2 days I will be working on that. This Wednesday the pilot script will be ready and sent to the channel!
If accepted in the first round, we will produce the pilot and if they like it, I will be writing 12 more episodes. They are also thinking to make me the presenter of the show but I want to keep my role at minimum on screen.
Continue reading I was just offered a writing/consulting job for a documentary project on TV!
My self-portrait for January 2015
January was about being content with my loneliness and healing.
What’s better than nature for healing?
I spent my 2 days of this last week out in nature every day.
My hair has grown a little.
I had some disappointments in the past few days.
I know it will pass. I will never let anyone make me feel bad so I got rid of him.
I came to myself with your help.
At the end, it is me, myself and you dear reader 🙂
Thank you for making me love me again.
Alex
Today I will be wishing more…
I am forcing myself to wish for more and more positive things. I now believe that I get what I wish for. All this time, I thought my realistic side made me strong but it was making me miserable.
When I find myself pitying for me again, I distract my mind for the better things to expect.
So I wish myself a great Sunday with full of sun. It is sunny outside and I am going to the beach today. I will walk for 5-6 hours, read my book and have myself a nice day.
Please do yourself a favor today and postpone your worries to Monday 🙂 Get depressed tomorrow, not today. Have fun & peace like it is your last day.
I love you all,
Alex
What has changed in a month? A lot!
A month ago, I started this blog. I wrote 10 things about me and it was very depressing to honestly admit that I have many problems. Now, I will make the first monthly evaluation. My comments of today are marked with red. Updated on Jan 23, 2015.
1. Single, white, female like the fucking movie. I am single, never been married, I live alone. I am fucking alone. Therefore, I have no personal life or career. What do I have?
I am still single 🙂 However, I do not feel alone. I have you dear reader! Actually, I enjoy my alone time a lot. I have many projects so I do not think about my single status that much.
I have severe fibromyalgia, mitral valve pulmonerasis (heart disease), major depression, leaky gut syndrome, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome and the worst of it “candida albicans” throughout my digestive system. It is suprising that I haven’t died yet!
Dog days are over or what?
Just finished watching Dog Day Afternoon with Pacino from my IMDb top 250 watchlist. I love this man. So real.
Free association to Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine.
Weightloss project updates
As you remember, I recently regained my successfully lost pounds back in the past week.
I started with 130lbs on 23rd Dec 2015.
Lost 10lbs and I was 120lbs on 2nd Jan 2015.
Gained them back on and reached 128lbs on 10th Jan 2015.
Lost some of that gained and today I am 123lbs on 13rd Jan 2015.
Yes with some setbacks due to toothache + antibiotics + painkillers + oversleeping + less movement + depressed eating I was a little bit out of route. Now, I am getting back to my project.
A few people said that my happiness should not be measured by lbs or kgs, I should be happy with what I am…
Why the hell I am doing this life changing project then? Of course I am not happy with what I am 🙂 That is why I have 35 projects to go… I just cannot understand people sometimes 🙂
Thank God, there are many people here supporting me. Thank you so much for your support. I did not give up! I may change my deadline for weightloss as I don’t want to rush myself that much and lose my health again. Maybe 15th of February will replace my ex-deadline 31st Jan 2015 for ideal weight project.
Love,
Alex
I’ve just shaved my head and I don’t know what to think or feel about it…
I have had short hair for the past 6 years. I shaved my head twice before, once for fun when I was in college, once to support a friend a year ago who took chemotherapy for breast cancer. I wanted to show her that a woman can still be very beautiful without hair. It meant a lot to her and she shaved her head right after me and did not use wigs since.
When I shaved my head about a year ago, I was working in a consulting firm and my stupid boss got angry as I did not informed her beforehand. Why should anyone inform anyone for that for God’s sake? My boss threatened to fire me and she thought that I was trying to protest something in the office. I did not defend myself and tell them the reason. I thought that I should not have to be explaining myself for that.
They used this as an excuse and start mobbing me at the office and I was forced to resign 6 months later.
Afterwards they learned the reason and tried to reach me but not for a sincere apology, but to prevent me from suing them for mistreatment and mobbing.
People eh? Or should I say “corporate devils”?
Anyways, you know the rest, the major depression linked with my auto-immune diseases and constant pain in my life for the past 6 months. Read more on 10 THINGS ABOUT ME
Now, jobless, depressed and sick, this 35 year old career woman starts from zero.
With a shaved head again.
Third time, but this time it was not my choice. It is for neither fun nor support. This time I happen to have Alopecia Areata, another auto-immune disease, which causes patchy hairloss on the scalp, where white blood cells from the immune system attack hair follicles and keep them from producing hair. It generally looks like this:
http://www.aocd.org/resource/resmgr/ddb_high/alopecia_areata_1_high.jpg
Now I am looking at the mirror.
Do I deserve this? No.
Am I beautiful? Well, at least I still have my head on my shoulders. I still have my fingers to blog. I still can write my story. I still have you reading it. I am grateful. But do I FEEL beautiful? No.
When I shaved my head to support my friend, I did not feel bad about my look. I felt very beautiful then. It was my bold decision made me beautiful in my eyes maybe… Now that it was not my choice I feel forced to do it. I feel helpless. So, maybe this time, it will take some time to feel beautiful for me.
And when I do feel that, I will share a photo with you 🙂 But, I am not strong enough yet.
Love,
Alex
THESIS DEFENSE MEETING: PASSED!
I cannot believe that I passed!
Made a nice presentation about my project plan for the next 2 semesters and I convinced the committee. I wasted 1 year of thesis writing with depression and sickness and have 1 year left. So in 1 year (2 semesters) I will start from zero and finish it!
I spoke openly and honestly why I could not do as I planned as I was sick & depressed. I apologized but I’ve made a B plan with a Jan 2016 graduation date. They loved my plan and encouraged me I will have my first meeting with my Thesis Advisor next week and until then I will be preparing the questionnaire for data collection. Fine by me, I am a stay home sick person, so let the THESIS PROJECT begin!
The most important thing was that, all the professors said that I was one of their best students ever and I should not worry because they believed in me both in getting better and finishing thesis! They believed in me more than I believed in myself! It was such an honor.
I am so happy and relieved!
As a treat to myself, I will eat my poached pumpkin dessert and watching Gandhi (1982) from my IMDB 250 watchlist.
Love,
Alex
My 35 Project 
