One of the worst days revisited…

This toothache is killing me head.

Another round of antibiotics are killing my gut.

My landowner sent me an SMS “Increase the rent payment 100% or get out”

I feel so alone today. I cannot fix anything.

I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…

I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…

As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:

1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.

I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.

I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.

So, economically I was worse off 🙂

2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂

3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?

It is like being stabbed from everywhere…

All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂

Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”. 

Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…

Love,

Alex

I was just offered a writing/consulting job for a documentary project on TV!

I received a phone call from a film director friend of mine today. About 2 months ago I told him that I have an idea for a documentary on everyday psychology and I thought about the pilot already. I told him and he liked it. However, I did not write it down as I thought that “This will be rejected by the TV producers anyway” I was not that hopeful thanks to my depression.

Today he said, he told my idea to a producer and he accepted to present the pilot to a TV channel and he wants me to get my ass down and write the script for the pilot this week. If the pilot passes, there will ve 13 episodes in total. I am so hopeful this time. For the next 2 days I will be working on that. This Wednesday the pilot script will be ready and sent to the channel!

If accepted in the first round, we will produce the pilot and if they like it, I will be writing 12 more episodes. They are also thinking to make me the presenter of the show but I want to keep my role at minimum on screen.

Continue reading I was just offered a writing/consulting job for a documentary project on TV!

My self-portrait for January 2015

January was about being content with my loneliness and healing.

What’s better than nature for healing?

Self portrait -  Jan 2015
Self portrait – Jan 2015

I spent my 2 days of this last week out in nature every day.

My hair has grown a little.

I had some disappointments in the past few days.

I know it will pass. I will never let anyone make me feel bad so I got rid of him.

I came to myself with your help.

At the end, it is me, myself and you dear reader 🙂 

Thank you for making me love me again.

Alex

Today I will be wishing more…

I am forcing myself to wish for more and more positive things. I now believe that I get what I wish for. All this time, I thought my realistic side made me strong but it was making me miserable.

When I find myself pitying for me again, I distract my mind for the better things to expect.

So I wish myself a great Sunday with full of sun. It is sunny outside and I am going to the beach today. I will walk for 5-6 hours, read my book and have myself a nice day.

Please do yourself a favor today and postpone your worries to Monday 🙂 Get depressed tomorrow, not today. Have fun & peace like it is your last day.

I love you all,

Alex

What has changed in a month? A lot!

A month ago, I started this blog. I wrote 10 things about me and it was very depressing to honestly admit that I have many problems. Now, I will make the first monthly evaluation. My comments of today are marked with red. Updated on Jan 23, 2015.

1. Single, white, female like the fucking movie. I am single, never been married, I live alone. I am fucking alone. Therefore, I have no personal life or career. What do I have?

I am still single 🙂 However, I do not feel alone. I have you dear reader! Actually, I enjoy my alone time a lot. I have many projects so I do not think about my single status that much. 

I have severe fibromyalgia, mitral valve pulmonerasis (heart disease), major depression, leaky gut syndrome, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome and the worst of it “candida albicans” throughout my digestive system. It is suprising that I haven’t died yet!

Continue reading What has changed in a month? A lot!

Dog days are over or what?

Just finished watching Dog Day Afternoon with Pacino from my IMDb top 250 watchlist. I love this man. So real.

Free association to Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine.

Continue reading Dog days are over or what?