I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…

I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…

As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:

1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.

I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.

I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.

So, economically I was worse off 🙂

2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂

3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?

It is like being stabbed from everywhere…

All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂

Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”. 

Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…

Love,

Alex

I’ve just shaved my head and I don’t know what to think or feel about it…

Source: http://pixgood.com/bald-head-back.html

I have had short hair for the past 6 years. I shaved my head twice before, once for fun when I was in college, once to support a friend a year ago who took chemotherapy for breast cancer. I wanted to show her that a woman can still be very beautiful without hair. It meant a lot to her and she shaved her head right after me and did not use wigs since.

When I shaved my head about a year ago, I was working in a consulting firm and my stupid boss got angry as I did not informed her beforehand. Why should anyone inform anyone for that for God’s sake? My boss threatened to fire me and she thought that I was trying to protest something in the office. I did not defend myself and tell them the reason. I thought that I should not have to be explaining myself for that.

They used this as an excuse and start mobbing me at the office and I was forced to resign 6 months later.

Afterwards they learned the reason and tried to reach me but not for a sincere apology, but to prevent me from suing them for mistreatment and mobbing.

People eh? Or should I say “corporate devils”?

Anyways, you know the rest, the major depression linked with my auto-immune diseases and constant pain in my life for the past 6 months. Read more on 10 THINGS ABOUT ME

Now, jobless, depressed and sick, this 35 year old career woman starts from zero.

With a shaved head again. 

Third time, but this time it was not my choice. It is for neither fun nor support. This time I happen to have Alopecia Areata, another auto-immune disease, which causes patchy hairloss on the scalp, where white blood cells from the immune system attack hair follicles and keep them from producing hair. It generally looks like this:

Source:
http://www.aocd.org/resource/resmgr/ddb_high/alopecia_areata_1_high.jpg

Now I am looking at the mirror.

Do I deserve this? No.

Am I beautiful? Well, at least I still have my head on my shoulders. I still have my fingers to blog. I still can write my story. I still have you reading it. I am grateful. But do I FEEL beautiful? No.

When I shaved my head to support my friend, I did not feel bad about my look. I felt very beautiful then. It was my bold decision made me beautiful in my eyes maybe… Now that it was not my choice I feel forced to do it. I feel helpless. So, maybe this time, it will take some time to feel beautiful for me.

And when I do feel that, I will share a photo with you 🙂 But, I am not strong enough yet.

Love,

Alex

Today is one of the bad days, but not dead yet…

I am not happy today. It was all going good. Now I am back to where I was 3 weeks ago.

My stomach aches, I have severe diarrhea due to antibiotics although I have many supplements of probiotics etc.

As an extra, I have a fever due to tooth infection and 2 new cold sores appeared today because of that. I also have a sinus infection. So, pain doubled in my head.

I was watching Avengers and all I was thinking during the movie was: “Oh Thor, can you come and hit my jar with your hammer and end this please?”

A new one is added to my long list of auto-immunes, I now have Alopecia areata too. I am losing my hair. Doctor says that it could be another fungal infection or just without reason.

I’ve read website of National AA Foundation and try not to cry right now.

My hair is already very short and now I will shave it all. It looks so bad mostly on the left side in the front.

I will put garlic on my scalp but it will take time to regrow (if it regrows I hope)

Today, is not a good one. But I will keep on writing and trying. Not dead yet…

Love,

Alex