The first day is the worst day…

I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.

Let me tell you about that mess a little:

I am 35 years old, female, single.

I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.

Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then.  However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.

I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.

Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.

I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.

I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.

I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.

I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!

And, wait for it:

I don’t give a shit!

I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.

I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.

Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.

Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.

That is me.

So what do you say?

Published by

Alex - Project Lady

35 year old woman who has hit the rock bottom tryin to get up again and reach her 35 dreams I am a psychologist who suffers from major depression and severe fibromyalgia. It was all about career to me. But today, I have no job, no husband, no kids. Alone. And, I want to change my fucking life.

9 thoughts on “The first day is the worst day…”

  1. I can see exactly how being a psychologist complicates things for you. I bet you over-think everything. That’s something I do too. But you are human and depression can hit anybody. One of my closest friends has a phd in psychology too and she had a few months off work due to depression this year. On the surface, she has it all – career, family etc. But it got her too.
    You are just beginning your journey – try and take each day as it comes. Each hour if you have to. You can get through it and emerge on the other side. It might take time but you can get there xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. On the surface I had it all and lost everything, job, friends, health. I have never experienced such a hard time before. I wish I could be healtier 😦 Actually, that is the most important of all…
      I will listen to your advice and take my time 🙂 Thank you soooooo muchhhh 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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