Skip to content

December 19, 2014

9

The first day is the worst day…

by Alex - Project Lady

I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.

Let me tell you about that mess a little:

I am 35 years old, female, single.

I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.

Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then.  However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.

I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.

Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.

I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.

I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.

I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.

I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!

And, wait for it:

I don’t give a shit!

I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.

I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.

Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.

Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.

That is me.

So what do you say?

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. I think we’re kindred spirits.

    Like

    Reply
    • Dec 20 2014

      I should be happy to hear that but I am not. I cannot be that selfish.
      At the least, it is soothing to know that someone understands.
      Thank you…

      Like

      Reply
  2. Dec 20 2014

    Everyone is a mess sometimes. Try setting small goals. People will support you – even if it’s just people online.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Dec 20 2014

      Tell me about that, I am a psychologist :/
      1/3 of people are in various levels of depression in metropolitan areas.
      When it is a psychologist, it becomes messier 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  3. Dec 21 2014

    I can see exactly how being a psychologist complicates things for you. I bet you over-think everything. That’s something I do too. But you are human and depression can hit anybody. One of my closest friends has a phd in psychology too and she had a few months off work due to depression this year. On the surface, she has it all – career, family etc. But it got her too.
    You are just beginning your journey – try and take each day as it comes. Each hour if you have to. You can get through it and emerge on the other side. It might take time but you can get there xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Dec 21 2014

      On the surface I had it all and lost everything, job, friends, health. I have never experienced such a hard time before. I wish I could be healtier 😦 Actually, that is the most important of all…
      I will listen to your advice and take my time 🙂 Thank you soooooo muchhhh 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  4. It’s hard to love yourself. I sounds like it would be super easy, but it’s not. I hope things turn around for you. You’ve lost some weight, I’ve read. Little things I guess. Take it easy and thanks for following my blog!

    Like

    Reply
    • Dec 29 2014

      Yes, I only try to get myself back 🙂
      Thank you so much 🙂

      Like

      Reply

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. My 35 Project | THIS IS CALLED: PROGRESS in 2 weeks!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Note: HTML is allowed. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to comments

%d bloggers like this: