Well, it was a horrific week with lots of toothache, headache, tooth infection, fever, sleepless nights, lots of painkillers, 4 different antibiotics in a row, severe diarrhea and gas due to that, many many visits to the dental hospital, severe doses of anesthesia, 3 hours long dental operation, lots of bleeding, severe bone infection, fight with the landowner about contract renewal, having less than 100$ on bank account, unnecesary calls from the ex’es on Valentine’s Day (I guess they call everyone on their lists, and I basically told them to fuck off), severe fatigue, severe depression…
Tag: learned helplessness
One of the worst days revisited…
This toothache is killing me head.
Another round of antibiotics are killing my gut.
My landowner sent me an SMS “Increase the rent payment 100% or get out”
I feel so alone today. I cannot fix anything.
It “kinda” follows like the movie…
I have good luck and bad luck at the same time.
One after another. Last week my dream job offer came, then happened the urticaria. It was itching & burning like hell! I had a dentist appointment that I missed as of the severe and constant itching all over. Went to a doctor about it and he said: “We don’t know why urticaria happens. (Doctors, eh?) Just take these antihistamines. There is no cure (I know hun) but you can manage the symptoms.” Another auto-immune! Well, I took those antihistamines and they made me sleep all day and forgot about the dental problem.
I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…
I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…
As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:
1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.
I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.
I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.
So, economically I was worse off 🙂
2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂
3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?
It is like being stabbed from everywhere…
All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂
Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”.
Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…
Love,
Alex
What has changed in a month? A lot!
A month ago, I started this blog. I wrote 10 things about me and it was very depressing to honestly admit that I have many problems. Now, I will make the first monthly evaluation. My comments of today are marked with red. Updated on Jan 23, 2015.
1. Single, white, female like the fucking movie. I am single, never been married, I live alone. I am fucking alone. Therefore, I have no personal life or career. What do I have?
I am still single 🙂 However, I do not feel alone. I have you dear reader! Actually, I enjoy my alone time a lot. I have many projects so I do not think about my single status that much.
I have severe fibromyalgia, mitral valve pulmonerasis (heart disease), major depression, leaky gut syndrome, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome and the worst of it “candida albicans” throughout my digestive system. It is suprising that I haven’t died yet!
Dog days are over or what?
Just finished watching Dog Day Afternoon with Pacino from my IMDb top 250 watchlist. I love this man. So real.
Free association to Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine.
Yea yea I failed again… But I’ve gained something priceless…
Yes I failed myself during the past week about weight control.
I’ve gained almost all the weight I’ve lost as I spent my days in bed at home, sick, with toothache, with antibiotics + probiotics, oversleeping, some crying for hairloss due to alopecia areata, some victimizing myself etc etc.
Candida of course is back again, I did everything I could but the antibiotics won.
So, where am I? I am as sick as the first day when I started blogging but something is different now. I am not as helpless as in the first day which was about 20 days ago.
Everything is as shitty as it was, but I am less helpless.
What has been changed in less than a month about me?
YOU!
I’ve not been changed that much but now I have an audience, followers who support me, people who care for me, take some of their precious time to read this. As more of you are added in my life, I became less helpless and grew stronger towards the setbacks and obstacles.
I have more trust in myself now although I failed again in some of my projects. They will get better. I am sure of that.
Because YOU are increasing in my life and YOU give me this motivation.
Thank you dear reader,
You cannot imagine, by just reading this, how helpful you are to change someone’s life.
Like you’ve just done right now 🙂
Love
Alex
THIS IS CALLED: PROGRESS in 2 weeks!
SPECIAL THANKS to MY FOLLOWERS!
Exacly two weeks ago, on 12.19.2014,
I made my first post: First day is the worst day
It was one of the WORST days of my life. I described it on 10 things about me
I also made my self-illustration that day…
No I am not crying, I just sit by the wall, take my head in my hands and stay like that for hours… Thinking, if you wanna be optimistic, but this, is “not” thinking at all…
That day, my blog had 1 page view by 1 blogger: Moongazer
She was the first one who followed me, commented on my posts and show her kind support.
So thank you MOONGAZER for believing in me !
Today my stats show that my page views for 01.01.2015 are 107 for 1 day.
within a total of 579 views and 104 comments in two weeks and increasing!
I am sharing my idea! For free.
Please take my idea and start your own project!
It will be very much appreciated if you give my35project.com as a reference point for inspiration.
I hope, this year, I can inspire as many I can!
You can share this link: http://my35project.com/start-yours-now/
Thank you all for following and supporting me,
reading and liking my posts,
sharing ideas and commenting,
most importantly being inspired by my progress.
I’ve set 7 big goals and the rest is on the way. I’ve started healing and learned coping with my endless list of auto-immune diseases (lichen planus), syndromes (GAPS, IBS), systemic disorders (Candida, food allergies), mental disorders (depression, anxiety, imsomnia etc) and aches (migraines, fibromyalgia).
It’s been only 14 days and I feel so much better. I am hopeful and peaceful.
IN SUMMARY: IT WORKS!!!
So thank you everyone 🙂
I hope I can inspire people like me to achieve their goals.
Love,
Alex
This is how I look today…
The first day is the worst day…
I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.
Let me tell you about that mess a little:
I am 35 years old, female, single.
I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.
Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then. However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.
I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.
Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.
I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.
I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.
I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.
I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!
And, wait for it:
I don’t give a shit!
I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.
I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.
Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.
Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.
That is me.
So what do you say?
My 35 Project 