I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…

I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…

As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:

1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.

I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.

I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.

So, economically I was worse off 🙂

2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂

3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?

It is like being stabbed from everywhere…

All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂

Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”. 

Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…

Love,

Alex

What has changed in a month? A lot!

A month ago, I started this blog. I wrote 10 things about me and it was very depressing to honestly admit that I have many problems. Now, I will make the first monthly evaluation. My comments of today are marked with red. Updated on Jan 23, 2015.

1. Single, white, female like the fucking movie. I am single, never been married, I live alone. I am fucking alone. Therefore, I have no personal life or career. What do I have?

I am still single 🙂 However, I do not feel alone. I have you dear reader! Actually, I enjoy my alone time a lot. I have many projects so I do not think about my single status that much. 

I have severe fibromyalgia, mitral valve pulmonerasis (heart disease), major depression, leaky gut syndrome, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome and the worst of it “candida albicans” throughout my digestive system. It is suprising that I haven’t died yet!

2 days 2 New Year – updates

Although I am getting better, I am in no condition to travel or spend time in crowded places so I will spend the last day of 2014 and the first day of 2015 alone in my home.

I am not sad for being alone as I am getting my health back.

I’ve lost another pound and got a bit closer to my 100lbs (size 4) goal. I am now 122lbs. So, in a week, 8lbs is a good progress with my high aminoacids and high fat (good fat) but low carb leaky gut diet. I cannot believe that I am eating so much and losing weight.

As I cannot go out, because it is too damn cold and rainy/stormy outside and I am sick, I took my treadmill out from the closet and will start walking 10miles a day like I used to do by the seaside in spring, summer and autumn 🙂 No winter can stop me from my only favorite exercise.

I will start today, man I love walking outside but this is the lemonade I can get now 🙂

Today, I will write about my super healthy Alex diet against leaky gut and fibromyalgia.

The movie project is going beyond good, it is going super because I had lots of time at home as I am sick. I watch 4-5 movies a day from the list and I suppose I will finish this in a month, not in a year 🙂

I will be adding new projects on December 31st, but my new year has already started with this blog I can admit.

So, thanks for following and supporting, you don’t know how much it means to me 🙂

Alex

My first two goals are set with deadlines!

1. Get my health back. Win against Leaky Gut Syndrome, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Fibromyalgia through healthy diet full of probiotics, aminoacids but without carbs and caffeine. First deadline: Show some progress in 10 days and be energetic on Jan 5th 2015 for my PhD thesis defence meeting. (first posted on 23.12.2014)

2. Be size 4 again, which is my ideal size since I am 5’3” (160cm) and that is tiny :))) My deadline to reach that is end of January 2015. However, I will not do a speed diet or anything. I just keep on what I eat and walk everyday. The goal does not end here of course, keeping that size throughout the year is the real deal. (first posted on 23.12.2014)

New goals will be added as I get more and more motivated!

PS: If I cannot reach them by deadlines I will revise them and keep working on them 🙂

Thanks for the advice :)

I listened to your advice and wash the damn dished, did loads of laundry, clean my house and opened a twitter account and slept for 6 hours. Thanks to dishwashers and laundry machines.

I try to post on twitter and it is quite new to me.

I have a PhD but i am not very tech-savvy as you see. This feels old 🙂

Thank you for the comments Moongazer 🙂 I appreciate it a lot.

I will soon post about fibromyalgia and depression and what to do to cope with them. This is one of my goals this year.

I feel better. 2 out of 10, but better then 1.

May you help me choose what to do?

I could not sleep yesterday and ate loads of chocolates and drank approx. a gallon of coffee and now I am a little bit over-energized.

I want to use this energy in something good since I have been feeling really bad and sick with fibromyalgia in the last week.

So what should I do today? Here are the options:

I can sleep (I think i can sleep but surely i will be seeing nightmares because of high sugar and caffeine in my veins)

I can clean the house, wash dishes, do the laundary etc. (Stupid stuff to make myself tired enough to go to sleep)

I can watch a movie or read a book but this is what I have done for the last few weeks.

I can write down my dreams and projects to achieve this year.

I can draw, sketch (but my eyes are acheing)

HELP ME CHOOSE PLEAAASEEE…

This is how I look today…

Self illustration by me…
I will draw one everyday and share my daily looks.

No I am not crying, I just sit by the wall, take my head in my hands and stay like that for hours… Thinking, if you wanna be optimistic, but this, is “not” thinking at all…

The first day is the worst day…

I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.

Let me tell you about that mess a little:

I am 35 years old, female, single.

I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.

Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then.  However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.

I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.

Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.

I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.

I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.

I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.

I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!

And, wait for it:

I don’t give a shit!

I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.

I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.

Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.

Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.

That is me.

So what do you say?