This toothache is killing me head.
Another round of antibiotics are killing my gut.
My landowner sent me an SMS “Increase the rent payment 100% or get out”
I feel so alone today. I cannot fix anything.
Tag: alone
I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…
I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…
As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:
1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.
I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.
I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.
So, economically I was worse off 🙂
2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂
3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?
It is like being stabbed from everywhere…
All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂
Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”.
Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…
Love,
Alex
I decided to be alone this year…
I do not know why but men have been quite interested in me recently. I do not even feel beautiful that much these days. Within this last week (after my disasterous date experience) quite a few people around me have been constantly calling, asking me out etc. I told them very honestly that I want something for the rest of my life and I am done with dating. I want to get settled down when I feel sure of someone.
So I have kept my distance towards them and this honesty really worked fine for me. Men started to act more respectful. I told them that we were friends, they do not owe me any promises and they can do whatever they want with their lives. They started to call me more?!?!
I really do not understand men.
I do not understand the women who made them this way either.
I just want a peaceful life with myself this year. It will be my 3rd year alone and I have no room for disappointments. So, decided to keep my distance. First, I want a trustful friendship, maybe later, in time, it will grow as a relationship. If it won’t I would not be crying.
So, let’s get to business and projects 🙂 No men, no cry 🙂
Love,
Alex
My self-portrait for January 2015
January was about being content with my loneliness and healing.
What’s better than nature for healing?
I spent my 2 days of this last week out in nature every day.
My hair has grown a little.
I had some disappointments in the past few days.
I know it will pass. I will never let anyone make me feel bad so I got rid of him.
I came to myself with your help.
At the end, it is me, myself and you dear reader 🙂
Thank you for making me love me again.
Alex
Dog days are over or what?
Just finished watching Dog Day Afternoon with Pacino from my IMDb top 250 watchlist. I love this man. So real.
Free association to Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine.
This is how I look today…
The first day is the worst day…
I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.
Let me tell you about that mess a little:
I am 35 years old, female, single.
I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.
Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then. However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.
I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.
Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.
I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.
I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.
I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.
I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!
And, wait for it:
I don’t give a shit!
I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.
I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.
Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.
Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.
That is me.
So what do you say?
My 35 Project 