No I am not crying, I just sit by the wall, take my head in my hands and stay like that for hours… Thinking, if you wanna be optimistic, but this, is “not” thinking at all…
The first day is the worst day…
I am totally fucked up. Seriously. I am a mess.
Let me tell you about that mess a little:
I am 35 years old, female, single.
I used to be a career-oriented, successful woman with graduate degree on psychology. I was fired from my job about a year ago and since then I have no fucking job.
Never been couragous enough to get married or at least get settled. I had 4 long-lasting relationships back then. However, I have had no boyfriends or whatsoever for the last 3 fucking years.
I have no close friends since I have shut myself down to everyone including my family, I have alienated them one by one for the past 6 months.
Most days, I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and other days I feel angry towards anything including me.
I feel ugly and stupid and fat and useless. I’ve gained 22 lbs in the last month.
I’ve been suffering from Major Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I’ve lost my job, and help me God, mental disorders don’t help you to get on your fucking feet again.
I have severe fibromyalgia, leaky gut sydrome and irritable bowel syndrome. My body aches all day long, I sit at home all day long, I do nothing useful all day long, sometimes I sleep all day long.
I haven’t had a fucking bath or taken a shower for about a month and do not feel anything irritating about it! I cannot believe myself. I was a pretty girl who used to take shower everyday, look after herself and stay fit. But now, I have eyebrows like a warewolf and a moustache like an uncle!
And, wait for it:
I don’t give a shit!
I don’t give a shit about who says or thinks what about me, as I don’t give a fucking shit about me.
I even stopped looking at the fucking mirror.
Hello world! I am on the edge. I am a fucking mess.
Last, but not the least. I am totally honest. About everything.
That is me.
So what do you say?