Tag: phd

I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…

I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…

As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:

1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.

I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.

I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.

So, economically I was worse off 🙂

2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂

3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?

It is like being stabbed from everywhere…

All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂

Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”. 

Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…

Love,

Alex

Some good things are happening to me :) Feeling blessed!

Yesterday, when I was coming home from the university, where I had a meeting with my PhD thesis supervisor, I realized that I should start working again sometime. I was thinking about a teaching position at the same university; however, I was late to apply for the position for the Spring 2015 term. Therefore, I should wait until Fall 2015 and that would be too far.

I got some full time job offers for managerial positions from various companies; however, I know that I am in no condition working 8 to 5 again. I should do something more creative and more flexible. So, although my reserves are going down, I turned the offers down too.

I tried to think positively about it since I am still not well, maybe teaching right now is not the best option for me.

One of the best I've ever caught :)
One of the best I’ve ever caught 🙂

I decided to watch the sky and the birds instead 🙂 I dreamt about good days to come. I took some photos and felt blissful for the chance to take one of my favorite photos so far 🙂 I was happy, I was smiling with no reason but this chance to catch a bird and a plane together flying 🙂

Soon after, an old colleague of me called me and told me that she found a creative, flexible, R&D consulting job for me if I am interested. I said yes and felt blessed again for the opportunity.

So, I smiled again.

Thank you 🙂

Alex

Thesis project updates: Step by step towards success

Today I had a meeting with my advisor for my PhD Thesis.

It is going well but I am at the beginning of my yellow brick road. It will be hard and tiring and mostly boring too 🙂

However I plan to learn and discover on the road. I am a last minute person and it mostly worked well for me in many occasions in academics. However, this one I cannot risk. Therefore it will be quite a challenge for me to be organized 🙂 So yes, I am in 🙂

I will work on my thesis everyday for 2 hours and I will finish it. Next year, around this time I will do the last defense meeting and will graduate on Jan, 2016!

THESIS DEFENSE MEETING: PASSED!

I cannot believe that I passed! 

Made a nice presentation about my project plan for the next 2 semesters and I convinced the committee. I wasted 1 year of thesis writing with depression and sickness and have 1 year left. So in 1 year (2 semesters) I will start from zero and finish it!

I spoke openly and honestly why I could not do as I planned as I was sick & depressed. I apologized but I’ve made a B plan with a Jan 2016 graduation date. They loved my plan and encouraged me I will have my first meeting with my Thesis Advisor next week and until then I will be preparing the questionnaire for data collection. Fine by me, I am a stay home sick person, so let the THESIS PROJECT begin!

The most important thing was that, all the professors said that I was one of their best students ever and I should not worry because they believed in me both in getting better and finishing thesis! They believed in me more than I believed in myself! It was such an honor.

I am so happy and relieved!

As a treat to myself, I will eat my poached pumpkin dessert and watching Gandhi (1982) from my IMDB 250 watchlist.

Love,

Alex

Update :) More than movies or cooking…

2 down 2 to go :

Alfred Hitchcock  watchlist:

Lunch cooked, eaten, dinner is being cooked, poached pumking dessert cooked (I made a huge pot of it from 2kgs of pumpkin for the whole week haha 🙂

I still have the PhD thesis defense thing and it bothers me a little as I did nothing about it. So, I decided to admit that tomorrow in front of a committee of professors including a dean 🙂

Sorry, I have nothing to lose now. I am trying to survive, to get healty, to increase my self-esteem, self-respect etc.

Not more than a month ago I was such a mess and now I reached a level of self-success of getting the control of my mind&body back. Thesis and the committe should wait.

If they fail me tomorrow, I will not despair. If they pass me I will not be relieved either. So, I am quite indifferent, why worry then?

🙂

I wish I was like this when I was younger when I thought that life was a race. Now, I see that all that it counts is me, and I don’t feel like racing any more, instead I feel like having what I want and when I want.

As Gregory House (main character of House MD TV show) said once 

“You are an adult, you don’t HAVE TO do anything!”

Well, isn’t it the best part of being one 🙂

Love,

Alex

UPDATES on two projects: lowering my expectations to a no-panic level :)

 3. GRADUATE PHD THESIS PROJECT. Finish PhD thesis and graduate in June 2015. This is the big goal. First I have to pass my 3rd defence on 5th Jan 2015. I am absolutely not prepared. So I have to work a loooooot this week. I have to do so many things. Panic panic panic !!! (first posted on December 23rd, 2014) Updated on Jan 3rd, 2015, as I learned I have more time 3 more semesters to graduate, so I decided not to panic myself, I changed it to PhD thesis project as I want to finish the data collection & analysis & writing the first draft by the end of the year. Deadline Dec 31st, 2015.

5. BOOK JOURNAL PROJECT: Read 200 books in a year. I really am a fast reader and I will keep a journal too. (first posted on December 24th, 2014) Updated on Jan 3rd, 2015, 200 is too many 🙂 let’s make it 100 🙂 

3rd goal comes with panic button, and i already pushed it!

 3. Finish PhD thesis and graduate in June 2015. This is the big goal. First I have to pass my 3rd defence on 5th Jan 2015. I am absolutely not prepared. So I have to work a loooooot this week. I have to do so many things. Panic panic panic !!!

Thanks for the advice :)

I listened to your advice and wash the damn dished, did loads of laundry, clean my house and opened a twitter account and slept for 6 hours. Thanks to dishwashers and laundry machines.

I try to post on twitter and it is quite new to me.

I have a PhD but i am not very tech-savvy as you see. This feels old 🙂

Thank you for the comments Moongazer 🙂 I appreciate it a lot.

I will soon post about fibromyalgia and depression and what to do to cope with them. This is one of my goals this year.

I feel better. 2 out of 10, but better then 1.