One of the worst days revisited…

This toothache is killing me head.

Another round of antibiotics are killing my gut.

My landowner sent me an SMS “Increase the rent payment 100% or get out”

I feel so alone today. I cannot fix anything.

It “kinda” follows like the movie…

I have good luck and bad luck at the same time.

One after another. Last week my dream job offer came, then happened the urticaria. It was itching & burning like hell! I had a dentist appointment that I missed as of the severe and constant itching all over. Went to a doctor about it and he said: “We don’t know why urticaria happens. (Doctors, eh?) Just take these antihistamines. There is no cure (I know hun) but you can manage the symptoms.” Another auto-immune! Well, I took those antihistamines and they made me sleep all day and forgot about the dental problem.

I am a case study even worse than Cotillard…

I’ve just watched 2 Days, 1 Night movie starring Marion Cotillard, who was laid off during her sick leave as she was suffering from depression. She was informed informally by her coworker about this. Very similar to my case. But…

As I look back now, my case was far worse than her:

1. Economically, she was married and her husband also works, they own their own place and car, so no rent but a mortgage, which they can make a second mortgage or sell it as they own it.

I did not have anything, no car, no house and a high rent, not because my 50m2 flat is good but I live in a cosmopolitan city.

I did not have mortgage but had rent and payments of my PhD. I did not own anything worthy to sell.

So, economically I was worse off 🙂

2. Socially, she has people around her, a supporting positive-thinking husband who encourages her to fight for her job. I did not even have a boyfriend 🙂 She has two kids who are lovely. I do not even own a cat or a flower 🙂

3. Psychologically, my whole life was my career. For her, it was no more than a money-making job. I had major depression, was on sick leave for 3 days although she was for months. On the third day, I received an informal call like hers and they said “You are kicked out”. No voting, no chance to fight for it. It just happened. The worst thing was that, my so-called colleagues did not even say something against it. I was the one who had hired some of them. Can you believe that ?

It is like being stabbed from everywhere…

All the depression plus my auto-immune diseases including fibromyalgia, leaky gut, IBS, alopecia areata, urticaria, lichen planus plus candida, migraines, food allergies, fatigue etc. it is a miracle that I am still alive 🙂

Look where I am now. Quite a breakthrough? No, but maybe some breakthrough. At least, I am trying. Thanks to you, I have a reason to write. Some days were harder than the others for the past month, and those days, the only reason that I woke up was to write my blog and “try to try”. 

Thank you for making me wanting to try everyday…

Love,

Alex

What I am (Some instant poetry for you from Alex)

WHAT I AM…

Organizing and dreaming all day…

Today, I organized my home, cleaned up a little bit, made some shopping, walked for an hour, took notes about everything as I forget them the next minute…

And, mostly I dreamt about what I want from my life!

There are so many things to do 🙂

I also made some lists on IMDb just for fun… OMG, I’ve watched a lot of movies and TV series. I mean, thousands of them. When did I do that? I guess, accumulating little by little works if you really love what you are doing. So, doing small things everyday become thousands one day. I want to develop a work environment like this. Do the best I do and do my favorite things every day. Here are my favorite things and I am good at them too:

– Travel & walk: I can walk for hours and I fit in everywhere.

– Meet new people who are different than me: I can learn just by watching. New excites me.

– Help people to create their vision in life: I am a psychologist and a life coach, I can talk people out of their existing place towards a more desired one.

– Write: I really love writing for an audience. That is you 🙂 I write really fast.

– Dream: I can do this all day long 🙂 It is my elixir of life

I decided to be alone this year…

I do not know why but men have been quite interested in me recently. I do not even feel beautiful that much these days. Within this last week (after my disasterous date experience) quite a few people around me have been constantly calling, asking me out etc. I told them very honestly that I want something for the rest of my life and I am done with dating. I want to get settled down when I feel sure of someone.

So I have kept my distance towards them and this honesty really worked fine for me. Men started to act more respectful. I told them that we were friends, they do not owe me any promises and they can do whatever they want with their lives. They started to call me more?!?!

I really do not understand men.

I do not understand the women who made them this way either.

I just want a peaceful life with myself this year. It will be my 3rd year alone and I have no room for disappointments. So, decided to keep my distance. First, I want a trustful friendship, maybe later, in time, it will grow as a relationship. If it won’t I would not be crying.

So, let’s get to business and projects 🙂 No men, no cry 🙂

Love,

Alex

My self-portrait for January 2015

January was about being content with my loneliness and healing.

What’s better than nature for healing?

Self portrait – Jan 2015

I spent my 2 days of this last week out in nature every day.

My hair has grown a little.

I had some disappointments in the past few days.

I know it will pass. I will never let anyone make me feel bad so I got rid of him.

I came to myself with your help.

At the end, it is me, myself and you dear reader 🙂 

Thank you for making me love me again.

Alex

From “stupid” to “strong” Alex :)

After writing about “him who hurt me” on my blog, I deleted his number and put it in Autoreject list, also blocked him from Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook in 5 minutes.

I am proud of my decision for not letting him contact me ever again. I will let noone hurt me.

After several hours, he tried to call many times (as I saw on Autoreject notifications) and sent me several SMS (I do not know how to block them :)) He is still trying to understand why I did this. I did not even care to explain.

Thank you for being there for me. I felt really strong with your support!

Love you reader! I feel like Lamassu is protecting me.

Strong Alex 🙂

Nope, he turned out to be “just the same as others”…

I haven’t included “love” or “a relationship” in my projects because I don’t think they should be handled like a goal/project. Love should be magical and sudden. It should be surprising and full of excitement.

This does not mean I do not want love in my life, but I want to go slow. 

I’ve met someone 3 days ago. He was super nice to me. Very kind and keen to meet. Our first date was very promising as we talked and laughed a lot. I told him about my fears about getting hurt again and he said ok.

He wanted to see me the next day and we met again.

Today I will be wishing more…

I am forcing myself to wish for more and more positive things. I now believe that I get what I wish for. All this time, I thought my realistic side made me strong but it was making me miserable.

When I find myself pitying for me again, I distract my mind for the better things to expect.

So I wish myself a great Sunday with full of sun. It is sunny outside and I am going to the beach today. I will walk for 5-6 hours, read my book and have myself a nice day.

Please do yourself a favor today and postpone your worries to Monday 🙂 Get depressed tomorrow, not today. Have fun & peace like it is your last day.

I love you all,

Alex