I am afraid of loving again but decided to be brave…

For quite some time, I was alone. I chose to be. As I was really hurt after my last boyfriend who cheated on me about 2 years ago with some girl inferior and legitimizing himself as “You are so damn clever and beautiful, you have a better career and education. These are too much for me. I just want to feel needed by a girl” I stopped looking for love.

I’ve never cared for the materials in a relationship so I did not have a checklist to be filled about who is suitable for me or not, but I acted with my feelings and intuition of being one with another. Was that a crime?

I felt so bad after the break up and dated 1-2 people since then not going further than a coffee / dinner outside. I just saw their checklists in their minds when they started asking how much do I earn, how many kids do I want etc. I did not see any feelings in their eyes, which are full of their needs, their desires etc. They were not capable of true love although they considered themselves suitable bachelors to get married with an 35-year-old woman, soon to be spinster in their sick minds.

So I stopped dating too. I even haven’t had the energy to go out for a coffee to know someone new. He would be the same like others. Years passed. Noone gave me the motivation to know them better. As I got used to be alone, I started to like it.

The time I saved from those dead-end meet ups were mine and mine alone. I read more, I cared for myself more, I loved me more.

Yesterday I’ve met someone new. He looked different. Is he? Maybe. Maybe I can trust this man to care for me. At least, he did not ask those interview questions. But I am so scared of feeling and breaking down again. I told him I want to go slow. He said ok. Then I will wait and see then.

I know what I want from a man. I want a man who feeds me with emotion. So girlish? Well I am a romantic 🙂

I know what I want from a relationship: A peaceful & trustful one.

As I’ve been so lucky for the past week, I am hopeful. I am scared because I feel that this time it may be different. Maybe my waiting is over. I am hopeful, I am scared and I decided to be brave 🙂



Published by

Alex - Project Lady

35 year old woman who has hit the rock bottom tryin to get up again and reach her 35 dreams I am a psychologist who suffers from major depression and severe fibromyalgia. It was all about career to me. But today, I have no job, no husband, no kids. Alone. And, I want to change my fucking life.

5 thoughts on “I am afraid of loving again but decided to be brave…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s